Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
