I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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