my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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