im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
