I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
