I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
