Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
