forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
