Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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