I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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