just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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