The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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