You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
