Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
