The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
