i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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