i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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