My friends, they love my intelligence
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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