you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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