there's paper in my vomit.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
