its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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