I just pynch a tree in the face
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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