It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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