I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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