She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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