someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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