If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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