does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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