My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
