Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
