I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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