every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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