Operation Purity has been aborted
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
