I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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