dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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