I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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