I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
