Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
