Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
