Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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