Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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