Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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