I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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