Whod you bang
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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