So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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