Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
