i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
