And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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