Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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