I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
